yesterday after practice, i kinda just buckled down and started crying. i really wanted to just bawl my eyes out, but there were people. i had my mind on things i’d rather not talk about during practice and after i was kinda just hit by things in my head. i wanted to go to the back and cry and pray. and it sucks because no one’s really there to listen, there’s no one around that i trust and know well enough to listen to what i’m feeling.
and on the other hand,
i tell myself that i’m okay, i can survive, i just have to keep trucking along because in the end it’s just me. because i don’t need anyone else and no one will be there. i have to be my own inspiration, i have to be my own motivation because in the end
i’ve often been called superficial. but, really i’m not. superficial is when you pick out physical points to determine the value of others. most people say that the personality is what counts ultimately, but that’s obviously incorrect. one must look at another’s whole being, should they judge. if a person wears make up, it can be deduced that they like to make an effort to look better. if one has a fit body, then it can be interpreted that they are hardworking and able to live a healthy lifestyle.
i hate it when people lie and say “it’s the inside that counts”. because beauty should be regarded and appreciated as well.
hm. am i desperate enough to try artificial weightloss? not under the knife or anything, but pills and special shakes. things to up my metabolism, give me more energy and make me feel fuller. i know its cheating, but whatever.
she told me she always felt insecure about herself because of this other girl, who’s so much prettier than her. she said she cried about it everynight, wondering why people didn’t like her as much as the other girl, even though she was more outgoing.
all i could think was, “what about me?” i couldn’t stop thinking about how inconsiderate of her to think that, that maybe i’m insecure about myself because of her. i’ve been what she’s been through, but more.
i had none but two people to stick with me. if you look at her, she has so many friends, so many people by her side. she eventually got over it, good for her. but it’s different for me, i’m so much more insecure. i have less friends than her, less people to love me, so she doesn’t have to worry about being alone.
i’m prettier than her, smarter, more outgoing, and not as easy. why don’t people like me?